Between a stressful week at work and another incident in which my car was hit, this week has been nothing less than hell.
As I tried to deal with all that was going on, I noticed myself retrieving in my old habits: where I would basically feel like I was drowning in what felt like a flood of everything going wrong. Negative thoughts began to flood my brain: it’s my fault that things suck, they never will get better, I don’t want to go to class, because I just don’t feel like it, etc.
Of course, then I get frustrated with myself. Come on Natalie, I would tell myself. You’ve dealt with this before, so stop it. You don’t need to have another anxiety attack over this.
Beating myself up for what I was thinking didn’t help much, suffice to say.
On Sunday morning, a lightbulb went off in my head, an aha moment if you will. When dealing with anxiety, not everyday is going to be peachy keen. There are going to be things that are just out of your control that crash in to you (or your Honda Civic, in a matter of speaking) There are going to be stressful days when you feel like you can’t see straight, and there are going to be times when you’re going to feel on the verge of a panic attack because of the day’s events. Just because you haven’t had one in three months, doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing to have one now. It means that you need to take five and reboot.
However, with that being said, there is something that I think that I do have 100 percent control over-me. I have control on whether or not I choose to lose it when I am at work and there is a pile a mountain high of stuff to do that are crumbling me. I have control of my thoughts, and I can control thinking “this will be an awful day.” I can change these things that I do in fact control. I can change my thoughts to thinking that while I am doing something that may not be fun, to think about what I am going to do after work or class.
Furthermore, with that being said, I also bear a responsibility, not only professionally or academically, but to myself. I am responsible for taking care of myself, for making sure that I am taking time to ensure that I am okay, and giving myself five seconds to breathe. I can only do my best, and that’s about it. And, despite the fact that others may not like it, that is perfectly okay. I make mistakes, and that’s not something I should beat myself up about. Instead, I should acknowledge this and move on.
The responsibility I bear to myself is the most important in my crazy, hectic life, because if I don’t take care of myself, it would only make things worse.
So, with that being said, it is important to remember that in dealing with something that is so intense as anxiety, there are going to be good days. There are going to be bad days. And, that’s okay.
And with the bad days, when it’s difficult to think positively, remember one thing: you’ve come a long way. And just like when you struggled before, there truly will be a shining light on the other side.